Weathering the Storm of Societal Expectations Together

As love is battered by the unrelenting storm of societal norms, where do we find the resolve to hold on tight?

Shelbe Chang, Michelle Herman, Nia, and Katie Chiaramonte take turns exploring the enigmatic beauty of love's transformative power. 

Our latest clip episode features a deeply personal and candid discussion on how they weathered the storm of judgment from their religious community to preserve the essence of their family.   They open up about the crucial role of supportive allies in times of struggle.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

a spouse who's wanting to kind of hold that pressure back and not let their spouse feel the whole weight of it. You can end up getting crushed by that and I think you just get tired, and when you're tired you do give up and sometimes that's all you can do. So I think my best advice and what I experienced was that, in order to protect the relationship between me and Nia, I had to surround myself with people who could shoulder my grief and give me encouragement and love.

Speaker 2: 0:35

Yes, that's what I needed can you talk about the constant too, because I think the bell thing that to me, um, you came across this thing and set you up for being able to do all that other stuff so, uh, I was a pastor, was a lay minister, and so I would listen to podcasts all the time.

Speaker 1: 0:54

And I was listening to a rob bell podcast, who is like I love rob bell. If you're not familiar with him, he is a great gateway. If you have been been a Christian and have deconstructed and need you know a little tie back in, he's fantastic. But he was just spitballing some ideas for a book and he was throwing out this idea that our deepest desires lead us to who we truly are, and so we can be afraid of our desires or we can listen to them and let them take us to the root of who we are. And so I just I'm driving in my car.

Speaker 1: 1:29

I probably had a sleeping kid in the back and I was thinking, what do I really want from my life? And I was like I know, it was not even a question. I want Nia, I want this family and I want life that we're building. And so, hands down, I'm going to do whatever it takes to keep this, and that became my constant. It was so clear to me Nope, this love is worth fighting for, this life is worth fighting for, and, by God, I'm going to die trying to hold on to this. I'm going to die trying to hold on to this. So finding that constant and knowing why I was doing this, why I was standing up to this, made all the difference.

Speaker 2: 2:14

Just from my observation, that was super key because Katie got more dumped on than I did, because she was protecting me in those moments from outside sources, and so she absorbed a lot, a lot of garbage and I think that it seems like, looking back, that was a big key.

Speaker 3: 2:31

And that came largely from the church. Am I right?

Speaker 2: 2:33

Yeah, it did Yep A lot of places, but yes, yeah, I would say our community.

Speaker 1: 2:41

We had a really beautiful community of people. Our systematic religion did not like what was happening, and so, you know, I kind of like to say that our love outgrew the system that we were in, which is tragic because we grew up Christian. We follow the way of Jesus. That was what Jesus preached, and to me it was like asinine that this was shutting us down when that's all that Jesus said, is like love, exactly.

Speaker 3: 3:12

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3: 3:14

Well, you guys are such powerful examples and let me just put this I know that your story is not everybody's story and it's okay if you have a spouse much maybe like more my story that cannot participate in this journey with you, and that's okay and that's valid.

Speaker 3: 3:31

That's where you are. But the reason I love Nia and Katie's story is because it is a story of using the difficulty and the turmoil and even trauma that a transition like this could cause, but showing how redemptive that can be and how beautiful it can be and how healing that can be, not only for you two as a couple but for us as a community and for people that can use you and your experiences. And so thank you, for it would be so easy, especially with some of the things that you've faced there, just to kind of be internal and self-focused and just caring for your family, but you guys hadn't done that. You guys have continued to live openly and out front and creating organizations and support for people that have gone through through that and that's that's amazing. So thank you so much for that, thank you yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 1: 4:24

Yes, we, you know, we believe in optimism and in hope and as many tragic stories as there are. We've discovered there are so many beautiful stories, so the more we can tell our story, the more people can see. This is possible. Yes, exactly reality I think that creates hope and joy inside of our community.

Speaker 3: 4:51

At least that's true definitely absolutely 100 and so um.

Speaker 2: 4:57

So, lena, do you have any last words for our listener and audience? I guess the one thing I would say is have have your support around you. So if you are unsure that your spouse, you know, will be supportive of your family, there are other people out there. You know. I found a good trans support group even here in in des moines I Iowa when I was coming out, and having really good friends that you can talk to about this stuff and kind of those circles of safety as you go out to is super key as you come out, if not a therapist, hopefully also friend, and reach out to us. You know, this is how I don't even know where to start. Well, you know, we go tell me about yourself and let's talk about what we are not therapists.

Speaker 2: 5:50

So I mean that's the other thing is you need to have a therapist Rambo's.