Jessie McGrath's Courageous Journey of Transition

Get ready to be moved by the power of authenticity as we share the deeply personal journey of our guest, Jessie McGrath, a deputy district attorney with a story that will inspire you. 

This clip episode is a testament to the strength of the human spirit and a must-listen for anyone seeking to understand the complexities of identity or simply find the courage to live their own truth.

Chapters

• 0:00 The Transgender Journey
• 12:01 Transition Announcement and Workplace Changes

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

This is the Transparency Podcast Show. Jesse McGrath and I have been a deputy district attorney for Los Angeles County for the last 35 years and I transitioned on the job I guess it was eight years ago now and so it's been a great job and they've been actually really good towards me and my whole transition and stuff. But it was kind of a shock when I finally realized I was trans and it was kind of a shock to everybody around me.

Speaker 2: 0:36

So when you say it's kind of shocked, that means you don't show any sign. Let's just go back to, maybe to your younger self, like in your 20s. Do you feel anything different in the gender?

Speaker 1: 0:53

Oh, I knew as a girl, when I was a child, a young child I mean I got in trouble in kindergarten for going to take nap time with the other girls, I was told I couldn't do that. And I was like why I'm with my friends.

Speaker 1: 1:09

And it was. So it was very early on in me and I just really didn't know what it was, but there were. I had a silk slip that I had found in one of my relatives old house, in an old trunk that was, and so I kept that hidden and I would wear that in my room at night at times. I knew it was there and when I was in college I actually went to a therapist. It was for a number of issues and I was trying to get out that I was a girl and I just never could say those words.

Speaker 1: 2:00

But as I got a little older I ended up finding ways to fit in and everything and I grew up for most of my life in Colorado. But when I was a junior in high school I moved to a very, very, very small town in Nebraska. We have like 65 people. I had 33 people in my high school graduating class and so, being six foot two and being fairly athletic, I was told I was joining the football team. So I ended up becoming a three sport letter person the vice president of the student council, lead in the school, play, all kinds of stuff and I was trying to fit in but I still had that secret, that and occasionally taking my mom's makeup and doing my eyes.

Speaker 1: 2:59

And then I ended up going to law school and I ended up getting married in law school.

Speaker 2: 3:08

Okay, so when you got married, is it to a woman? Yes, and did she knew anything about your Jesse sign?

Speaker 1: 3:17

No, because I never could discuss it with anybody. Okay, and so there were a few times in the marriage when she was gone and the kids were all out of the house and I would put on one of her dresses and I would use some of her makeup and do my eyeliner, but I kept pushing it away that it was wrong, it was sinful, whatever.

Speaker 2: 3:49

Yeah, I think that's related to many people, including myself. When I first fell that way I, like you said, I didn't know what's that feeling about and at first I just thought I might have some gay issue put it that way, right, and I didn't tell anyone as well, and so I think that's a norm. That's most of people's girls journey.

Speaker 1: 4:16

Yeah, to me. I tell people, the hardest person to come out being trans to was myself, because I didn't want, I couldn't see myself that way. I mean, I've envisioned at times, yes, but I always made it go away. I mean, there was a time when my ex-wife got a job in Colorado and.

Speaker 1: 4:38

I was still in LA working in the DA's office and I got some. I got some camisole or something from Big Lots and some makeup and wore that and stuff and then I had to purge that eventually. But I couldn't throw it away at my house because then somebody would know about the transvestite. Da and I could just see, and so it really was there, and it was really there pretty hard, but I was always managed to make it go away.

Speaker 2: 5:11

Okay. So when you mentioned go away, because I personally have that experience before I tried to because I date girls before and I was thinking, okay, let me be. I got married in late 20s and I'm thinking, okay, maybe this feeling will go away, which it did for a short time, and then it came back, actually stronger. Do you have that experience when you try to make it go away and when it comes back, it kind of comes back feeling stronger than the last time?

Speaker 1: 5:44

And until the last one hit at the end of 2014, and then it was like you can't hide anymore.

Speaker 2: 5:51

Why does?

Speaker 1: 5:52

this keep coming back. Why do I keep feeling this way? Why? Is this, and so I started. At that point I finally got online and started doing some research and walking and I was like oh my God, this explains so much Wow.

Speaker 1: 6:10

And this is like, oh, it was like a mass revelation. And I ended up going from buying sporting stuff on Amazon to breast forms and bras and makeup and dresses and suddenly it was like back so hard, and so it took me a while, but I finally got online. I looked around and read a lot of literature on the stuff and it was like, wow, it all makes sense now. It all kind of came together, and so the first person I came out to was a cousin of mine who I grew up with. She's only a couple months younger than I am, so we grew up on my grandparents farm a lot, we were together a lot, and I got the courage up.

Speaker 1: 7:04

I think it was shortly after Christmas and I asked her if I could tell her something, if she promised she would never, ever, ever, any in a million years, tell anybody at all this is like the most top level secret and I sent her some pictures and she goes very beautiful, great skin, and that's you question mark. And she goes wow, these are great. How long ago did you have these taken? And it was like last week. She was so great because when I told her, she was like oh, it all makes sense now. So it wasn't only me.

Speaker 1: 7:58

It was one of the people I was closest to in the world understood it Right.

Speaker 2: 8:05

So because I heard this thing recently, because somehow it says our society, because we have so many single parents, for example I'm not sure if your family tradition already. For my personal experience, my dad wasn't really around growing up Like he came here, like when I was three, so the documentary I was watching or some YouTube video, they were saying our society. Because of that reason and a lot of male or more feminine these days or missing the masculine part of it, so, I'm not sure if that's what I heard.

Speaker 1: 8:48

So how's your?

Speaker 2: 8:50

family react to your transition.

Speaker 1: 8:52

Well, yeah, Are they surprised? My parents got divorced when I was eight but my dad, but I was a girl before they got divorced.

Speaker 2: 9:01

So I'm like I don't think it's that part of that.

Speaker 1: 9:04

But they got divorced when I was fairly young. But I was always a sensitive kid and I always Emotional and it did was you know, that's why I think my cousin she goes.

Speaker 1: 9:20

It's so obvious now, but my mom had passed away, and she passed away in 2011 and so in in 2014, we were gonna Go back to the farm and go through my mom's stuff, because my stepdad had never gone through her things, because she wanted us to do with and he wasn't ready for it. So, you know, three years later, and we made plans to go back in the summer and then he got sick and then he ended up passing away in September. Wow, and so now I'm back at the farm with my brother and and my sister and we're, you know, I haven't to go through things, and there's my mom's clothes, which I remember borrowing, and her makeup's still there, and so I'm, it just hits me Mm-hmm, and I ended up taking a bunch of my mom's clothes back with me and and stuff and and it was that's when I did that.

Speaker 1: 10:22

so, unfortunately, my mom, who always knew she had a daughter I think she really did I think she found some of my stuff. I think she had- to have known yeah but so she never got to me Jesse. But my dad, who's now 85 years old he's actually been really, really good it's. He's sends me birthday cards, christmas cards you know, to my daughter and and writes Incredibly beautiful messages in there for me, and so he's really really good about it.

Speaker 2: 10:57

Yeah, my, my mom actually just passed away two months ago. So, yeah, no worries. So, whatever you, what you just said is really reflect, I can. I can Make the connection. I understand and it's good. Once she passed away, I suddenly realized a lot of things, like I feel that she built this invisible bridge for me and once she's gone I can see it clearly now.

Speaker 1: 11:24

It's so amazing. My kids say oh my god, you're becoming grandma.

Speaker 2: 11:28

Yeah, so that's why I can relate it to you. So, besides that, when you transition, you mentioned at work your DA career it. How did I go?

Speaker 1: 11:42

Um, it was, I wasn't the first DA to transition. There had actually been somebody on the same floor that I was on a couple years before me and and so in talking with one of my co-workers who I first Kind of came out to, he said, well, she went around, talked to everybody kind of individually and he goes. I really thought that was a great thing. So I Went around to the people I was working with and met with them individually and showed them some pictures and told them what is going on, and and they were all surprised, obviously. And then, apparently, one person that I talked to Was horrified that I was going to be allowed to use the woman's restroom, and so she went to HR and and want to know what she could do to stop. And so I ended up getting a call from HR saying you don't have to say anything if you don't want to, but we've heard a couple rumors and we just want to let you know that we're here for you if you need us for anything.

Speaker 2: 12:39

And I was like oh you mean about my transition.

Speaker 1: 12:41

Yeah, um, I that's not a rumor. I'm doing that and I think we should probably get together and talk about what the timelines are gonna be or when's when's a good time for you. Can I come down now? Wow?

Speaker 2: 12:54

So, and what happened after that? Today I went down.

Speaker 1: 12:58

I met with them. I told them that I had a court date for my name and gender change in Another month and that we were in the process of moving from an office building over to the Hall of Justice. And so that was scheduled for like June 15th, which was like two weeks after my name and gender change. So I was like, well, hey, we're moving to the new building. Why don't we just make that the official day? And and really so. When I moved Into the new building, everything was just a