Journey of grief transforming into a mission of service

This clip episode is a heartfelt exploration of grief and how it can fuel the desire to create a meaningful legacy. 

Shelbe reflects on her journey of honoring her mother through service, identity advocacy, and the pursuit of well-being.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Legacy and Drive to Help
• 15:49 Uncovering Subconscious Emotions

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

This capacity, this drive, this invisible force to help? How would you characterize that drive now? How would you experience that drive to help right now, at this point in your life?

Speaker 2: 0:20

You mean what I want to do?

Speaker 1: 0:22

Yes, how your capacity to help.

Speaker 2: 0:26

Well, I think I'm going to use media as a channel to continue impact people with the message or the journey I've gone through or the knowledge I learned to share with people. That's one. Or the knowledge I learned to share with people, that's one. And second one is I wanted to open a foundation nonprofit foundation under her name nickname and to continue to again help people, because that's what she was kind of doing towards these past few years. So we've been doing donation and she's very into Buddhism. Our family is Buddhist and we never really is so religious family. But she was like doing a lot of training. She called it I'm doing my homework, yeah. So she does a lot of that. And then another part that kind of impact me is after she passing. I kind of feel I'm more closer to this religion In a way, because somehow I just kind of keep hearing about Buddhas.

Speaker 1: 1:54

Okay.

Speaker 2: 1:56

And her new home is in the temple.

Speaker 1: 1:59

Oh, okay, that's where she's resting.

Speaker 2: 2:02

Yes, okay.

Speaker 1: 2:04

Yeah. So you know, it's really interesting, like as we talk, and even though you might not think you're going into a trance or I'm making you go into a trance, okay, you're starting to bring out thought and information that's very profound. Okay, you know Okay.

Speaker 1: 2:30

And maybe the probably not what you talk about normally, but to think of what I'm hearing from you please correct me if I don't have it right, or I just want to make sure I have it right. It right or I just want to make sure I have it right is your. You know, like this need, this desire to amplify this legacy of your mom and your family, is becoming very strong, very well defined, kind of clear. So it's kind of, would I say this event was the very difficult passing of your mother. It's kind of giving you a why. You know, like every entrepreneur, every business person, every person sometimes, to have their deep inner, why.

Speaker 2: 3:22

Yes, seven deep, seven level deep Right.

Speaker 1: 3:28

Do you think that's a little bit of what you're expressing to me?

Speaker 2: 3:31

right now. Yes, and also because I brought up, the last emotional impact was the relationship and that's the reason I started doing real estate. Because we can, you know, I'll explain in a different episode, but that's the reason why I become a real estate agent and into fourth year of doing real estate, I think that one, the mission is somehow, I just feel, complete. That's why I can sense now this is another emotional impact wave and this one is stronger than the last one, a lot stronger.

Speaker 1: 4:11

So the first one emotion was feeling complete.

Speaker 2: 4:19

As of now. Yeah, feeling complete as of now, meaning like the reason I do real estate. It's already, I already did, I'm already there, right, like helping you know people who think they cannot buy a home they are turned down, yeah, or the agent they experienced not doing their job. That's what we experienced in the past and leads to you know, know in results of breaking up so yeah so you had that relationship and that breakup.

Speaker 1: 4:53

It's kind of like each one of these. These are profound things right and profound, you know, at times, for anybody they're. They're emotionally profound, deep things, but it seems that last one propelled you to be a real estate agent yes and feel complete, as shelby. Complete meaning what? So here let me rephrase okay sure, when you say complete, it made you feel complete. Yeah, how do you experience complete?

Speaker 2: 5:33

Just like I mentioned, I'm doing real estate is not because of money or commission or the title. It's because I personally experienced a bad service from an agent and leads to we are arguing as stress and that's kind of the breaking point of that relationship. And because of that, that made me wanna be somebody who's opposite Find, do my best and not give up on my client, somebody who's opposite you know, find, do my best and not give up on my client. That's the right way to say yeah, and when I say complete, meaning I've been already. I'm going to continue to have more clients. Of course I'm not done with the professional, but I'm just saying that drive, I already got there. That drive, I already got there.

Speaker 2: 6:28

I already passed my test, I got a license and blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1: 6:32

Okay, but complete as an agent, complete as a woman, complete as a daughter.

Speaker 2: 6:41

You mean that last impact? Yeah, I was saying complete as a mission, as a mission, okay, yeah, I think so you completed your mission. Yeah, okay I mean I'm okay, let's, let's hold that right there, okay so you completed your mission.

Speaker 1: 6:59

How does that feel?

Speaker 2: 7:01

it feels good feels good.

Speaker 1: 7:02

yeah, yeah, and so we're thinking about. Earlier we talked about legacy- yeah. You're talking about creating a legacy.

Speaker 2: 7:17

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1: 7:19

What would that mean to you to create that legacy?

Speaker 2: 7:27

Create that legacy. Well, right now I'm just thinking carry on my mom's legacy of supporting acceptance and love and unite. But for my personal legacy, which I don't, have any kids or anybody. So I'm thinking that foundation I was telling you about earlier that will be the legacy of me and her later on.

Speaker 1: 7:57

So the legacy is this foundation and these other things, but let's go back to this legacy, okay, and how that's going to make you feel as Shelby.

Speaker 2: 8:11

As Shelby Well.

Speaker 1: 8:17

No, no, no, that's really good when you had that. Well, let's just stay with that, okay.

Speaker 2: 8:26

As Shelby, meaning if Shelby, as a trans person, let's say out in the open, it will. I don't know the future, but as of now, because we don't have a icon or a person that is doing something that make the society or the mainstream people to see, oh, you know, a trans person can be this way it doesn't have to be work at a grocery store, it doesn't have to be, um, you know, take, I'm living on the street, or you know something like that.

Speaker 2: 9:08

Sure, so that's the part that it doesn't have to come from me. You know personally as my legacy, but if I can impart another person who can do better than me, or show this part to the world, then that's still yeah still so, to show to the world what a successful person can be. Yeah, because we tend to have this label, I call it.

Speaker 1: 9:39

Yeah, what is that label Meaning?

Speaker 2: 9:41

we are considered as a minority. They consider us a minority and certain like ethnicity background is considered minority. Okay, they consider us a minority and certain like ethnicity background is considered minority. But I'm thinking opposite. Why we have to be minority? Why can't we be majority? Right, okay, and then, in order to be a majority, you have to. In their eyes, we have to be, you know.

Speaker 1: 10:05

Oh their eyes, we're not a burden to the society. That's the word to say right, Okay, tough question Do you feel like you're a burden to society?

Speaker 2: 10:16

I'm not right now.

Speaker 1: 10:17

You're not right now.

Speaker 2: 10:18

Because, because I feel I'm contributing to society or the community?

Speaker 1: 10:24

yes, what are your in thinking of doing this legacy? Do you, when you think about your legacy, that you're working on right now and you're working so hard? But then you're working so hard about your legacy, but then you're concerned about overworking, like your mom?

Speaker 2: 10:53

Yeah, because when she found out that I'm a trans, this is why she said word for word I mean my sister translated word for word she said it's okay as long as you're happy and healthy, so healthy is in there. She said it's okay as long as you're happy and healthy, so healthy is in there and happy. You know I've been through, everyone's been through happy and unhappy, yeah, so I'm trying to keep myself healthy, so she doesn't have to worry. Okay, before and now or after Spiritual worry, but you're working really hard.

Speaker 1: 11:42

Use the word extreme. You're working extremely hard and your mom overworked. That brought about the cancer you feel.

Speaker 2: 11:56

Yeah, we feel that's the main cause.

Speaker 1: 11:59

And you also feel your mom wants you to be healthy and happy.

Speaker 2: 12:06

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 12:06

Healthy and happy. Yes, so there's a little Conflict, yeah, a little conflict, right yeah? How can we resolve that conflict? I?

Speaker 2: 12:18

don't know.

Speaker 1: 12:19

Yeah, we can just think about, do you think?

Speaker 2: 12:22

that's the reason why I have a sleeping disorder, because I'm in conflict.

Speaker 1: 12:28

Could be. So I know we can just take a minute and think about that conflict or think about Hold on. Take a minute and think about resolving that conflict, because you're working extremely hard. You're working extremely hard. You're working extremely hard, yeah, and you want to fulfill being healthy and happy.

Speaker 2: 13:02

Well, I think that would be contribute to daily habits, daily habits what I eat, I exercise. I know sleeping right now is off, but I'm sure, sleeping is off.

Speaker 1: 13:21

What do you think the sleeping off, sleeping being off is telling you?

Speaker 2: 13:28

Something wrong in my body.

Speaker 1: 13:29

Okay, or my mental.

Speaker 2: 13:30

I don't know Something, well, hold on, hold on. Something's wrong in my body, okay, or my mental, I don't know. Well, hold on hold on.

Speaker 1: 13:34

Something's going on. Yeah, something's going on up there. You pointed up here Something's going on up here. So this sleeping is telling you something, and so Hold on, hold on. So just let's kind of stay there. So you know, you just mentioned you have these unusual, different sleeping patterns, yes, and it's telling you something's going on there. So let's just take a thought, anything's going on up there. So let's just think deeply, slowly, easily. What's going on up there? What's going on with Shelby?

Speaker 2: 14:19

up there. What is it trying to tell you? My personal thinking is because I try. I mean, like I mentioned earlier, I have emotional moments and those are unpredictable. Sometimes, it just comes.

Speaker 1: 14:37

Unpredictable emotional moments, yeah, like all of a sudden.

Speaker 2: 14:40

I'll just thought of her or miss her, and other time I'm fine and I think maybe I'm doing extreme work or something to get rid of that. I mean not weak, but I don't want to victimize myself. Maybe that's why.

Speaker 1: 15:01

Okay, sure, no, no, this is really we're getting to kind of the heart of the matter here. So you're working hard, you have these emotional moments. So when you think of these emotional moments and working hard, let's, let's just keep our focus right there.

Speaker 2: 15:23

yeah, it's kind of, I think okay now I think I maybe not just avoid victim victiming myself, but maybe avoid me being depressed, because I kind of describe, if I go depressed and I discover a certain pattern that I will kind of do something really stupid, sure, and I don't want to go there.

Speaker 1: 15:49

I don't want to go there again, so.

Speaker 2: 15:52

I think, maybe subconsciously, I'm trying to hold on to that not fall down? I see, Maybe by doing work, and I might get a I don't know.

Speaker 1: 16:04

So okay, okay. So you know. Again we have to say it's like to experience emotions without a passing of a loved one. That's a normal human experience.

Speaker 2: 16:18

Yeah, many people actually say that. They say this is everyone gone? You know have to go through. Gone through Maybe because when I'm describing maybe people think I'm trying to avoid it, which maybe I am, maybe you are.

Speaker 1: 16:38

Yeah, maybe you are, and that would be a normal emotion too.

Speaker 2: 16:42

And I did share with one of our mutual friends. She said maybe I subconsciously I'm depressed, subconscious I'm not aware, but on surface, I'm still doing my thing, doing podcasts and work and I don't you know, so maybe subconsciously you're depressed.

Speaker 1: 17:05

That's what she thinks. What do you think?

Speaker 2: 17:09

When I hear that I think, oh, maybe she's right, but it's hard to. I don't know.

Speaker 1: 17:22

To me it's kind of hard to be aware of certain things. It is hard.

Speaker 2: 17:24

Sure, because, unless I had experienced before, just like the pattern I mentioned, the depression.

Speaker 1: 17:30

Yeah, but we're here right now. Yeah, I know we're here right now.

Speaker 2: 17:32

Yeah, I know we're here right now.

Speaker 1: 17:34

And it's kind of you're here right now and it's free, another freedom to experience anything.

Speaker 2: 17:42

Okay.

Speaker 1: 17:42

You know, yeah. And you know, we're all human beings, Right.

Speaker 2: 17:48

Yes.

Speaker 1: 17:50

So you know, maybe it struck a nerve when you heard that from your friend.

Speaker 2: 17:56

Yeah, it just kind of happened Like an aha moment. Aha, moment.

Speaker 1: 18:01

Yeah, yeah, Thank you.